Category: Bartering with Biscuits

Fleegle’s Bed

Published on by Raud Kennedy2 Comments

Franny holds her ground on the bed and growls down at Fleegle who is trying to jump past her up onto the bed. “Poor Biscuit Breath,” she says and wags her tail. “You have to sleep on the floor tonight.”

“But my bed is up there on the pillow next to Raud’s pillow.”

“Not anymore. That’s my pillow now.”

“But I’ve slept on that pillow since I was a puppy.”

“How’s that cold hard floor feel? You should have enough biscuit padding on your backside to be more than comfortable, walnut brain.”

*   *   *

Fleegle whimpers so loudly on the pillow next to mine that he wakes me. I pat his side and say quietly, “Fleegle, wake up.”

He stops whimpering, raises his head and looks around at his surroundings. Seeing where he is, he drops his head back on his pillow with a loud sigh. “Oh thank goodness. I was having the worst nightmare. Have I told you how much I love my pillow?”

Next BwB – How Honest Can a Butt Wiggle Be?

Previous BwB – Invasion

First BwB – The Puppy

17 – Invasion

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

“Someone is on the roof,” Franny says to Fleegle in the dark of the bedroom. “Should we wake him?”

I look at their black silhouettes on the bed and listen to the silence. “No one is on the roof,” I say.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” Franny says. “You need to go up on the roof.”

The clock glows 3am. “I’m not going up on the roof in the middle of the night.”

“Do you want me to get your slippers?” Franny asks.

Fleegle shakes his head. “He’ll need his shoes for going up the ladder.”

I pull the pillow over my head. “I’m not getting out of bed.”

Fleegle cocks his head to the side. “No, she’s right, Raud. Someone is on the roof. It must be Santa. Have you bought that heavy German beer he requested last year? Remember he said he was lactose intolerant after drinking milk for so many years.”

“It’s far too early in the season for Santa,” I say.

“But he’s been all over the grocery store. So has his buddy, Frosty the Snowman,” Fleegle says.

Franny stands up, her stance a little anxious. “Who is this Santa guy and why is he on our roof? What’s so special about the roof anyway? Is there something up there to eat that no one has told me about? Is that where Fleegle hides the caviar?”

“Nothing is on the roof. Go back to sleep.”

“You’ll be lucky if it’s Santa,” Fleegle says. “He might be able to help you with your gnome problem.”

“I don’t have a gnome problem, I have a sleep deprivation problem.”

“That’s what they all say just before it’s too late.”

I know I shouldn’t give credence to his theories by asking but I can’t help myself. Any insight into Fleegle’s thinking is always worth it. “Who is they?”

“People with gnome problems. Maybe Santa can broker a truth before the gnome’s relatives arrive and the conflict escalates.”

I push my pillow aside. “Relatives?”

“It’s probably already too late. There are several new RVs in the neighborhood. I think the gnome is already massing his forces.”

“An invasion of gnomes in RVs? Are there magic mushrooms growing in your yard, Fleegle?”

“What’s an RV?” Franny asks. “Is that where the caviar is hidden?”

“Go back to sleep, you two.”

Franny lies back down and soon both of them are snoring quietly. I lie there and stare at the ceiling. The clock now glows 3:12. It’s then that I hear it, the rapid patter of feet, like a child running in the attic. And then I hear it again, but this time it’s several children racing one another the length of the attic from one end of the house to the other.

Crap, I hope it’s not raccoons, I think and roll over.

Next chapter – Fleegle’s Bed

Previous chapter – How To Become a Coyote

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 16 – How To Become a Coyote

Published on by Raud Kennedy6 Comments

While visiting a hidden field in Forest Park, Fleegle finds an appealing scent on the ground and commences rolling in it. Knowing his tastes in scents, I call him to me in a vain attempt to stop him from smearing himself in the source of the scent. By the time I get to him, Fleegle is finished with his rolling and is strutting around the field like he is master of all he can see.

Franny emerges from underneath a very large fern on the edge of the field, gives the breeze downwind from Fleegle a sniff and says, “I smell poop, really strange smelly poop.”

Fleegle wags his tail high in the air. “That’s not just any poop. That’s the caviar of poop.”

He struts upwind of me. “Ugh, not coyote poop again. That’s the rankest poop of all. And don’t tell me beauty is in the nose of the sniffer, we’ve had that conversation before.”

Franny tilts her head to the side. “But I thought you ate caviar?”

Stupidly, I say, “You do,” as she ambles over to where Fleegle rolled.

She gives it a sniff, then says, “Well then,” and …

“No, Franny, don’t do that,” I shout to no use.

Fleegle pauses in his tracks. “Boy, why didn’t I think of that? Get the scent from the inside out. It could last for days.”

Next chapter – Invasion

Previous chapter – The Boy Bit Of God

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 15 – The Boy Bits Of God

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

While in the backyard immersed in one of my books on advaita and nonduality, something tickles the back of my neck. I swat at it like I would a mosquito and feel a small wet nose, a nose too small to be Fleegle’s.

“What are you doing, Franny?” I ask.

“I’m sniffing your brain for peanuts to check if what Biscuit Breath says is true.”

“And what have you discovered?”

“I’ve concluded you have a coconut for a brain.”

Fleegle looks up from his spot across the lawn. “That’s only his shampoo. It’s scented with coconuts to fool you into thinking he has a bigger brain. Sniff deeply and you’ll smell the peanut deep inside his noggin. But still, it’s an apt metaphor since coconuts are full of water. Even a walnut with its solid insides can outsmart a hollow coconut.”

Franny nudges the book in my lap. “Is that one about dogs too?”

Fleegle gets up and comes over. He sniffs the book. “I bet it’s about coconuts, and I bet it’s titled How To Be a Coconut and Appear Smarter Than You Are.”

I clear my throat to speak. “It’s about how everyone is everyone and there is no other. Franny, me, and even you, Fleegle, are all one and God is experiencing his creation through us as his creations.”

Fleegle yawns. “What I say? Coconuts. You and the coconut are definitely one and the same. God is experiencing the coconut through you.”

“So God is a boy dog?” Franny asks. “Did they neuter him too like all the other boy dogs at the park?”

I know when I’m outnumbered. I set my book down on the grass next to my chair and get up to go inside for more coffee. As I do, I glance over my shoulder and catch Fleegle about to lift his leg on my book. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m going to review your book.”

Franny follows me toward the house. “If God is neutered, what did they do with his boy bits?”

Dogs can ask the most embarrassing questions.

Next chapter – How To Become a Coyote

Previous chapter – The Biggest Brain of Them All

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 14 – The Biggest Brain Of Them All

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

I sit in the backyard half reading a book on dog biology and half watching Fleegle and Franny wrestle in the fresh cut grass. After a while, they tire and start chewing on a long stick, one on either end. Franny is now seven months old and still substantially smaller than Fleegle, especially her head.

I put my book down. “You know, Fleegle, looking at you next to Franny makes me realize just how big your head is. I swear, it’s almost as big as mine.”

Fleegle lets go of the stick. “No, Raud, it’s bigger than yours, especially in the part that counts, my brain. The size of my brain makes yours look like a peanut.”

“Shelled or unshelled?” Franny asks.

I hold the book up in my lap. “This here book about dogs says your brain is the size of a walnut.”

Fleegle tilts his head to the side. “And who wrote this book? A dog?”

“Of course not.”

“Exactly. Just more lies to cover up the biggest lie of them all, that people have more than a peanut for a brain. You’ve heard the saying, ‘victoribus spolia’?”

“Um, no, I haven’t.”

“It’s a Latin quote from Julius Cesar’s dog, Maximus Canis, and it translates as ‘To the victors go the spoils.’”

“Actually, the phrase is attributed to a Jacksonian Democrat in the presidential election of 1828 after Andrew Jackson won the presidency.”

“Which is my point. The winner writes the history books,” he says.

I set my book down again. “So if dogs have such big brains, why are the peanut brains running the world?”

Fleegle shakes his head sadly at me. “Oh, Raud, the peanut brains only think they do. Your brains don’t have the capacity to understand the bigger picture of what’s really going on. You’re just a small part of a vast social experiment us dogs are conducting, but don’t worry, I’ll write up my report on you as favorably as I can.” He licks his lips. I sense a request for a bribe is coming. “Within limits, that is.”

Franny looks over at Fleegle. “So is peanut butter really brain butter from people? I don’t want anymore of that in my Kong if it is.”

Next chapter – The Boy Bits Of God

Previous chapter – Digging

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 13 – Digging

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

Fleegle and Franny sit inside the house watching me through the screen door as I plant shrubs in what used to be the front lawn.

As I dig the hole for the last one, Fleegle says, “Raud, let us out. We can help you dig your holes,” Fleegle says.

Franny scratches at the screen door. “And fill them too.”

“We can even do both at the same time,” Fleegle adds.

I lean against my shovel. “We tried that, and then you saw the neighbor’s cat across the street and went for a chase.”

“He taunted me. He called me slow poke. How could I not chase him?”

Franny wags her tail. “I didn’t chase the cat, I’m a good girl, I was chasing the slow poke.”

Fleegle gives her a look and grunts his dissatisfaction. “Please, Raud, let us out. I need to mark all of those new shrubs as mine before the other dogs in the neighborhood do.”

“So you want me to let you out so you can pee on my new plants?”

“It’s fertilizer, Raud. They need it to grow and thrive.”

I snort my derision at that. “The lawn in the backyard shows otherwise.”

“But Raud, you need supervision. You’re doing it all wrong.”

Franny looks at Fleegle. “You mean there’s a right and wrong to digging a hole?”

“Of course not. It’s just about the digging, but he doesn’t know that.”

I put my hand on my hip and give the two of them a hard stare. “I do have ears, you know, and though my hearing may not be as sharp as the two of yours, I can still hear you over here just fine. You need to learn to whisper if you’re going to talk about someone behind their back.”

Fleegle stands up and his ears go back. “Speaking of which, you better look behind you.”

Franny paws at the screen door. “It’s the gnome, Raud.”

“I’m not falling for that.”

“But he’s carrying a sharp stick,” Fleegle says.

“Ouch!” I shout and dance away from the source of the sharp pain in my calf. “Bloody wasp. Why sting me? I did nothing to you.”

“Bloody gnome is more like it,” Franny says.

There’s no gnome, only a wasp buzzing me. I head inside to wait for it to find trouble somewhere else.

Fleegle moves aside as I open the screen door. “If you dug up my yard it wouldn’t bother me, but I like digging. The gnome apparently doesn’t.”

Franny slowly shakes her head. “Nah, it’s not the digging that set him off, it’s taking his truck out for a spin that pissed him off. He must really identify with that truck, I mean, look at him. He’s so small, even smaller than me, and the truck is so huge. It even has an extra step just to climb into it.”

I shake my head in disbelief. “A compensating gnome? Now I’ve heard it all, Franny the Freudian.” I close the screen door behind me. “Let me know when the wasp is gone.”

Next chapter – The Biggest Brain Of Them All

Previous chapter – The Sky Is Falling

First chapter – The Puppy