When Fleegle and I finish watching Planet of the Apes and the credits roll, Fleegle turns to me on the couch and says, “Are you a monkey?”

“Those weren’t monkeys. They were apes.”

“Fleas and tics, I want neither. You look like a monkey. One with a hair loss problem.”

“I’m not a monkey. I’m a man. A human being.”

“Then monkeys must be descended from you.”

“And why is that?”

“Animals get cuter as they evolve. Dogs evolved from wolves or some common wolf ancestor, and dogs are much cuter than wolves. Who do you want a photo of on your birthday card, me or Timber Wolf Jack and his girlfriend gnawing on a caribou carcass? Monkeys are much cuter than people. They throw their poop at visitors to the zoo. Very sensible if you’re stuck in a zoo.”

“Aren’t human babies cute? Everyone says they are.”

“They’re cute, but then you swaddle them with their poop and make them carry it around with them wherever they go. That’s not cute. That’s just mean. No wonder they cry. I saw a dog at the park who had his poop bags tied to the side of his harness.”

“So?”

“They were full.”

“Yuck.”

“If you’re not a monkey, then maybe you’re descended from manatees.”

“Why?”

“Manatee sounds a lot like, man in a tee.” Fleegle nose bumps my belly. “But mainly looks, though manatees are pretty cute, so maybe they’re descended from you.”

 

Next Negotiating with Cookies: Conditioner

Previous Negotiating with Cookies: Picture Window