Tag: Dog Humor

Negotiating with Cookies #27 – Kibble Run

Published on by Raud Kennedy2 Comments

Fleegle and I park in front of the pet supply store.

“I’m coming with,” Fleegle announces.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I take hold of his leash and we hop out of the car.

The store entrance is lined with dog toys from squeaky balls to fluffy pink bunnies.

Fleegle stops and stares at a fuzzy toy puppy on the top shelf. “Look, Raud, the stork has been here,” he says, referring to the story I told him about where babies come from, that storks bring them.

“Maybe a toy stork.”

Fleegle sniffs in its direction. “Oh, he’s good. Had me fooled, almost as good as you.”

“How do you mean?”

“Sometimes when you’re watching your television you don’t move for so long that I think you might be a stuffed toy. That’s when I bump you in the back of your head with my nose, just to check that you’re real.”

“A cold wet nose.”

“When you’re bald it will be even colder.”

I make a sour face at him. “If I go bald I’ll wear a hat to stay warm.”

“Bald or not, you’re the same Raud to me.”

We hit the food aisle and I pull a bag of kibble off the shelf and Fleegle sniffs it.

“Does it smell fresh?” I ask.

He looks up at me. “Define fresh.”

I look at the sell by date. It’s a long ways out. “As you would say, Fleegle, you could run to the moon and back and it would still be fresh.”

He cocks his head to the side. “Like I said, define fresh.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies #26 – Piercings

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While at the park, the ever observant Fleegle asks, “How does that man blow smoke out of his mouth?”

“By inhaling it first from his cigarette.”

“Does he get cookies for doing it?”

“No.”

“What about those metal tags hanging from his ears. Did his vet do that?”

“No, that’s jewelry. He probably did that himself or had help from a friend.”

“What kind of friend sticks metal through your ears?”

“It’s considered cool,” I say.

“Cool is a cold nose in your bum.”

“It’s hip.”

He nose bumps my hip. “Hip is where you wobble.”

Exasperated, I say, “Some people just like it.”

“They like dog tags skewered through their ears and inhale smoke? No way. People can’t be that stupid.”

“Yes way, and don’t be so judgmental.”

“You mean they like pain and trouble breathing? And what’s wrong with being judgmental? It saves me from hanging out with people who like pain.”

I see a small movement out of the corner of my eye. “Look, Fleegle, squirrel.”

And he’s off, but soon returns after treeing the squirrel.

I look at him and ask, “And there’s no pain involved for what you have planned for that squirrel?”

“Have I ever caught one?”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies #25 – Christmas Card

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From behind the tripod and camera I say to Fleegle in his new red elf hat, “Try not to move or it will fall off.”

“This stupid elf hat isn’t going anywhere, Raud. You’ve tied it on nice and tight. I could run to the moon and back and it would still be on my head. Where’s your hat? Why am I the one who’s always got to look stupid?”

“My hat got in the way of looking through the viewfinder.”

“This hat is getting in the way of me being a dog.”

“Smile at the camera.”

“Why? That’s like asking me to smile at a rock, and do I smile at rocks? No. Well, I might if it had been scent marked by someone I like. Maybe if you pee on the camera I’ll feel like smiling at it.”

“You want to look grumpy for the Christmas card?”

“It’s sunny and hot, where’s the snow? why are we doing this now?”

I put my hands on my hips. “Because it’ll take you that long to smile at the camera.”

“You know how I feel about things on top of my head.” He stands up and does a full body shake where his skin goes one way and everything else goes the other. The elf hat comes loose and slides down to the side of his face. He swats it off with his paw and starts out of the room.

“Where are you going?” I ask.

“I don’t know. Outside to do dog things that don’t involve little elf hats.” He pauses to think, and then snatches up the hat in his teeth. “On second thought, I know exactly what I’m going to do.” He heads for his dog door to the backyard.

“If you bury it, you’ll be the only elf wearing a muddy hat.”

“Ha, that’s if you find it.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies # 24 – Taxes

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

I’m doing my taxes at my desk when Fleegle nose bumps my leg. “Pet me.”

I give him a lame pat on the head. “I’m kind of busy.”

“So what? Pet me.”

I scratch his back. “Go find something to do. I need to finish this.”

“No you don’t. Pet me.”

“It’s my taxes. I have to get them in the mail by midnight or they’ll be late.”

“Plenty of time. Pet me.”

“Seriously, Fleegle, I have to do this.”

He leaves the room but returns a moment later with his ball and drops it in my lap on top of my tax form. “Here’s my ball. Isn’t it nice? Look how gooey I’ve made it. How do you feel now? The ball makes everything better, even taxes.”

“And gooey. Do you think the IRS computers can read through dog drool?” The ball rolls across the page onto the floor. “Those might be deductible. You go through enough of them.”

“No, they’re not, but they’re tax exempt because I find them at the park and they’re free.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies # 23 – Bribery

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I hold the car door open. “Fleegle, get in the car.”

“Busy,” he says and continues sniffing a patch of weeds on the parking strip.

“We need to get home.”

“Still busy. Lots of smells on these weeds.”

“I’ll leave you here.”

“Ha, no you won’t,” he says. “You can’t find your way home without me.”

“I’ll leave you here to live in the park all by yourself,” I say.

“I love the park and I make friends easy.”

“It’ll rain and get cold.”

“I like the rain. I’ve been bred for water. I have webbed toes. And I have thick oily fur that keeps me warm.”

I put my hands on my hips, exasperated. I feel like swearing, but refrain. Last thing I need is for Fleegle to learn to swear. He’d like that. It would be f-this and f-that and, Raud, where’s my f-ing kibble? A change of tack is needed. “It’s getting close to dinner time. We have cold pizza in the fridge. Do you think you’ll find some of that in the park?”

He lifts his leg over the weeds and gives them a splash, then hops in the car and claims shotgun. “Hurry up, Raud. I’ve got pizza crust waiting on me.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies #22 – A Walk with Fleegle

Published on by Raud Kennedy3 Comments

While on a walk, Fleegle trotting along at my side, we pass a man walking his dog. The dog pulls against a too short of a leash while the man stares at his phone with his head down and ear buds plugged into his ears.

“Why does that man have a dog?” Fleegle asks. “Is he walking his dog or his phone? Why doesn’t he put his television in a shopping cart and take it for a walk?”

“I hate to tell you this Fleegle, but he’s watching television on his phone.”

“No kidding? You can do that? Can you do that on your phone?”

“I’ve got an old phone,” I say.

“Well if you get a new one you’re going to wish you kept your old one.”

“Why?”

But Fleegle ignores my question as he sniffs at the base of a fire hydrant.

Continuing our walk, we pass a little boy and his mother sitting on a park bench licking ice cream cones.

“They live with a dog,” Fleegle says.

“How do you know? Do they smell like dog?”

“No, like cat, actually. But you saw how they licked at their ice cream.”

We pick up the pace and hurry passed a man with a very loud leaf blower. “Does that man live with a dog?” I ask.

Fleegle sniffs at the dust filled air. “Nah, he lives alone with his leaf blower. What dog would have him with all that racket? Just like his neighbor who lives alone with his lawn mower.”

We amble on some more when Fleegle says, “It’s good you have me along to answer all your questions. You must find life pretty challenging having more questions than answers.”

I drop his leash and point at a tree. “Look, Fleegle, squirrel.”

He darts to the base of the tree, circling and sniffing and looking all over. “Oh boy, a squirrel. Where is it? Where’s the squirrel?”

But there is no squirrel, just an outmaneuvered human lamely reasserting himself through trickery.

 

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