The little dog was very happy now that he’d relieved himself. He was in the middle of marking his spot at the park by scratching the grass with his back legs, when he saw what his two-legger was up to and let out a peal of barks in protest. With his hand encased in a plastic grocery bag, the old man leaned over and picked up the dog’s freshly excreted poop which was no bigger than the green goose droppings surrounding it. Continue reading “Rocky”
It’s a good thing I don’t have a job or else I’d look like the Thompson cat after being chased through the brambles behind old lady Tucker’s house. You two-leggers don’t appreciate the work that goes into looking good when your entire body is covered with fur. Sure, you all have a little tuft on top of your head, but that’s nothing compared to me, a full-figured, fluffy Samoyed with my arctic white fur shining as if glistening with morning dew. And I’m beginning to wonder if that tuft of yours might be a wig, since more and more of you are going without, mostly men, and when I smell the women’s hair it smells very similar to what my two-legger uses to clean up my wee-wee. I don’t know what you use to clean a wig but you might use that. You certainly wouldn’t use wee-wee cleaner on your own hair, or maybe you all would. The odd stuff you do never ceases to amaze me. Continue reading “Snake Oil”
It was a good day to fleece treats off the customers coming out of the 7-11. The hot weather brought them in for beer and chips, and I sat outside pretending to be someone’s pet dog by sitting calmly and looking like I was waiting for my master to return from inside the store with a six-pack for him and a bone for me. Pet dogs were safe to feed. Moms didn’t have to worry about their kids trying to talk them into bringing home the stray. Don’t feed the stray, they’d say, he’ll follow us home. I’d heard that one a lot. So I put on my act of belonging to someone and it worked for me. Continue reading “Strays”
That’s it, put some mayonnaise on it. No, don’t put the mayo away, don’t be cheap, put it on with a spoon. Stop worrying about your arteries. Stress will kill you long before the mayo. What? The jar’s almost empty? Well then, use it up. Oh yeah, there you go. No, don’t put it in the sink, you idiot. Put it on the floor and I’ll get it ready for the recycle bin. I know lettuce is good for you but let’s not over-do it. Okay, I need roughage. You could play eighteen rounds with that last poop. Spray ’em white and sell ’em on eBay. Ooo pickles, I like pickles. I wonder if you could pickle a cat. Mmm, that sounds good. Let’s pickle Buttons and put him on a bun. Might have to get some more mayo though. Tomato slices work, put a few more slices on. Whoops, you dropped one. Here, I’ll get it for you. Slurp. Gosh, I don’t see it. Where’d it go? That damn cat must’ve kiped it. He’s fast for a fat bastard. He might even be enough for two sandwiches. Continue reading “How to Make a Sandwich”
“We’re on in five,” the show’s producer announced to the crew and guest panel, his eyes on the host, Alpo, making sure he had his attention, and then he wagged his very large, fluffy white Samoyed tail high above his back to the beat of the countdown. “Four, three, two, and you’re on!”
Alpo stared into the camera lens, the lens he loved and that adored him, and flashed his tiny schnauzer canines—exceptionally white against his black fur—at his millions of viewers and started the show. “Good evening, friends. Tonight on Sniff This! it’s the battle of the sexes, or rather, the lack of. It used to be a free for all, every dog for himself. The tasty tidbit belonged to whoever got to it first. But our culture seems to have entered a new era of politeness, where many males are deferring to females, giving up the best seats at the cat fights, even leaving the last bite in the bowl for their mates. I’m not one to not appreciate this new wave of politeness, but it seems to come with a cost. Continue reading “Sniff This! Part Three – A Case of Manners”
Under the glare of the studio lights, Alpo looked into the camera lens at his audience of millions. “Our discussion topic tonight on Sniff This! is one our sires argued about, their sires argued about, and all the sires before them argued about. Which is more appropriate, to lift your right leg or your left leg when scent marking?” He fidgeted in his seat as if just mentioning the subject made him want to get up and go lift his leg on the nearest upright object, the tripod holding the camera. “On our panel of distinguished guests are, Rex from the Daily Squirt and, on the show for his first time, Sparky from the Left Leg News, and for the female perspective we have Sadie, who is promoting her latest bestseller, Nip and Snarl: How to Keep your Sire off You. Welcome, all.” Continue reading “Sniff This! Part Two – Left or Right?”
Gnawing the Bone 