Negotiating with Cookies – Another Reason for the Ball

“Raud, who invented the tennis ball?” Fleegle asks, mouthing his ball. “Did God invent the tennis ball?”

“Do you mean the God of the Sunday televangelist in the frosty blue suit with white lapels telling you to call the 1-800 God Needs Your Money number, or the Higher Source of the cult guru teaching simplicity so you’ll sell your car, your house, all your worldly goods and make a large donation to his ashram?”

“Oh, did I say God? My dyslexia must be acting up, I meant to say Dog.” He mouths his ball some more. “I’m pretty sure Dog invented the tennis ball so you’d have something fun to take your mind off of your religious worries.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Auras

Fleegle and I are in the backyard. I’m reading. He’s sniffing around the grass.

“Raud, I think I can see your aura,” he says, his head cocked to the side as he stares at me.

“That’s just the sun setting behind me.”

“The sunset is red, your aura is blue. Are you feeling blue?” he asks.

“Maybe a little, but I don’t know if aura color is connected to one’s mood. What if my aura was pink? What mood would that be?”

“That would be the aura of someone in the mood for some strawberry yogurt. It’s pink.”

“Then wouldn’t blue mean it was time for some blueberries?”

“I don’t know, Raud, are you hungry for blueberries?”

“Now that you mention it, blueberries with vanilla yogurt sounds pretty tasty right now and it’s almost time for lunch.”

“So that’s what it means to be blue,” he says. “I like that better than being sad.”

“Can you see your own aura?” I ask.

“Yes, it’s red. It’s the red of a rare steak. After you eat your yogurt, can we barbecue for lunch?”

“Are you sure it’s not the red of an apple or a raspberry?”

“No. Steak, barbecue steak. Fire up those briquettes, Raud.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – The Dog Buddha

It has struck me recently that much of the conversations we have with one another consist of exchanging memes, whereas dogs are the anti-meme. Dogs understand cause and effect, such as how sitting next to me often makes me produce a biscuit, but they don’t believe something simply because it has been repeated to them by multitudes of people.

I could tell Fleegle the sky is blue until I loose my voice and he still wouldn’t believe me. “The sky is the sky,” he’d say. “Your words just get in your way of appreciating it. Doesn’t the sky consist of air and space and isn’t that what surrounds you now near the ground?”

“Yeah.”

“What is up there is the same as what’s near you and near me. I am you and you are me. The sky is also you.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Just more words, Raud. Why don’t you enjoy a popsicle. Become one with it. Maybe the sugar will help you understand. I like strawberry. In fact, I am the strawberry popsicle. Get me one and I’ll show you. I especially enjoy becoming one with the high fructose corn syrup, a sweetener that won’t fill you up and can never be satiated. Perfect for us Labrador Retrievers.”

 

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Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – “Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas.”

Negotiating with Cookies – “Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.”

When the movie ends, I click off the television and rise from the couch. “It’s late. I’m going to bed.”

Fleegle remains on his donut bed curled by the fireplace. Hanging above him from the mantle are the giant stockings with our names embroidered on them waiting for Santa to fill them with Christmas goodies. He looks up past them at the plate of cookies and glass of milk I put on the mantle for Santa. “I’m staying here,” he says.

“No stealing Santa’s cookies.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I’m going to ask him to share.”

“You want him to fill your stocking and share his cookies?” I say and go to bed, figuring I’ll get up in a of couple hours after Fleegle has fallen asleep and adjust the scene of Santa’s visit accordingly, but when I do eventually wake up, it’s from Fleegle jumping on the bed.

“Did you get tired of waiting for Santa?” I ask.

“No, not at all. He was really nice and gave me all the cookies but kept the milk for himself. He said climbing up and down chimneys was thirsty work. Next year he wants a beer instead of milk, a heavy, frothy German beer. He was very specific about it not being a light beer, and Mrs. Klaus thinks he might be getting lactose intolerant and he hates soy.”

“You’re in charge of remembering that,” I say sleepily. “No mess then?”

“Nope, except for some crumbs. Santa didn’t lick his plate.”

When the sun rises and I finally get up, I find Santa’s plate and milk glass where I left them on the mantle, but bare and empty. Fleegle is tall when he stands on his back legs and puts his front paws up on things. The kitchen counters are all within range of his tongue, but I’m puzzled how he could reach the mantle above the fireplace. And there are cookie crumbs still on the plate, something Fleegle would never leave behind.

Then I notice our stockings are chubby and full, mine with assorted candies and gummy bears, and Fleegle’s has a rawhide bone sticking out of the top of it.

I hear Fleegle’s nails on the floor behind me. “Santa made me promise not to chew on it until you were there to watch. He said I shouldn’t chew it all in one sitting.”

I turn and look at him. “Santa?” As far as I know Santa never got out of bed to stage the scene.

“Yeah, Santa. Big guy, red suit, smells like reindeer poop.”

 

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – The Dog Buddha

Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Chapstick

Negotiating with Cookies – Chapstick

I hear something being dragged along the floor and look up from my desk in the den to see Fleegle halfway through his dog door, a pair of my jeans trailing him.

I call after him, “Whoa there, big fella. What do you think you’re doing?”

His rump is all that’s sticking through my side of the dog door, and his tail is held low and still, as if he’s trying not to be noticed.

“Well?” I ask.

Slowly, he backs up through the door into the den. The pant leg of my jeans hangs from his mouth. “Nothing much, just going out to the yard.”

“With my jeans?”

“Well, not really. I’m only after the plastic thingy in the pocket.”

“So you’re going to drag my jeans out in the yard and rip the pocket open to get at the lip balm?”

“Something like that. Any suggestions on how to do it better?”

I pick up my jeans and transfer the lip balm to the jeans I’m wearing. “No, not really,” I say and return to my seat at my desk.

“Boy, Raud, feeling grumpy?”

“Only a little chapped.”

 

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Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Odoriferous Parfait

Negotiating with Cookies – Odoriferous Parfait

“Raud, what’s a racist?” Fleegle asks.

“Someone who sees a person’s color before everything else.”

“I usually smell someone long before I see them.”

“So then I don’t need to worry about you being a racist.”

“I know what people have been eating by their sweat.” He sniffs my leg to make his point. “You’ve been sneaking donuts without me again.”

“I couldn’t help myself.”

“You remember that the next time I use that excuse,” he says. “Is there such a thing as a ‘sweatist’?”

“You mean not liking people because they stink?”

“No, not at all. I love people who stink, especially if they stink of food, like when you eat at the diner and smell of bacon all day. It’s the one’s who smell like petroleum products and aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrate that worry me. Do you think they’re wearing some sort of protectant for electronics because they’re robots? Are they a fifth column, a prelude to an alien invasion?”

 

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