It’s that first whiff that hits you hardest. Like dunking your snout in a puddle of snow-melt when chasing down a tennis ball, you’re overwhelmed with scent information. The first sniff of my two-legger told me she was an adult female, on a really boring diet of too much yogurt, too many carrots and bananas, and far too little pizza. My previous two-legger had been a big fan of pizza. Emphasis on big.

Sometimes I lift my left leg to scent mark a tree, sometimes my right, other times I can’t make up my mind and do both one after the other. It’s a bigger decision than you may think. Pizza is like lifting both at the same time and levitating while peeing. The perfect two-legger diet would consist of pizza everyday, and not those namby-pamby gourmet pies they try to pass off as pizza, but meat specials with lots of sausage and pepperoni. I want to see the grease glistening on it from across the room, and if I can count the pepperoni slices at a glance, I’m sending it back for a rebuild. And double crust with meat filling is a big bonus. There’s nothing like biting into the crust to discover some really smart two-legger has hidden even more meat inside. Pure genius.

But the catch is that any two-legger living on a steady diet of perfect pizzas isn’t going to get off the couch much, and though I love to eat more than most, staying indoors all the time gets old fast. There’s only so much grooming I can do between pizza bouts, unless I have fleas, then there’s no end to hunting down the little buggers. That was my previous two-legger’s problem. Not fleas buy too much pizza, too much couch, not enough action. So in a perfect four-legged world, it’s best to have a pair of two-leggers, one who loves the pizza and the couch, and another on the carrot diet who likes to hike the trails and ignore the leash laws. And don’t get me started on leash laws. Two-leggers try to control everything when they can’t even control their own eating, but then again, when it comes to pizza, I can’t claim I can either. How could anyone turn down another slice of the perfect food?