At six months old, this is what I’ve learned so far:

• Lean hamburger is good, but the fatty kind is healthier for you.
• Cat food is good for dogs too. It’s an urban myth that it gives us gas.
• Dog poop should be left where it lands. Cat poop should be picked up diligently–by dogs.
• Picking up poop is very unhealthy for two-leggers, but eating it is just fine for us dogs.
• Having four legs is definitely more graceful than just two, but a bucketful of chicken legs from KFC beats both.
• Barking gets you what you want, but whining will get it faster, and the higher pitch the whine the quicker the two-legger will snap to it.
• A cute play bow will trump a growl in any encounter.
• Snoring is beautiful. It comforts your two-legger to know you’re near and that helps them sleep.
• Grooming is best done at 3am on your two-legger’s bed, preferably while sharing the pillow.
• If your stomach is upset, 3am is also the time to puke, also preferably on the bed but not on the pillow. Use the foot of the bed. Your two-legger will appreciate you doing it so late because it will give them an excuse not to deal with it until morning.