Category: Negotiating with Cookies

Negotiating with Cookies – Knock Knock

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

“Knock knock, how many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Fleegle asks.

“I don’t know, how many?” I say.

“Just one, but it takes a hundred to make the television commercial that tells you people which one to buy.”

“Ha-ha, very funny, Fleegle. How many dogs does it take to eat a biscuit?”

“Just one, me.”

“Nope, none. We’re all out.”

Fleegle grunts. “How many lazy couch potatoes does it take to go to the store to buy more?”

“None. I’m not moving. Potatoes can’t walk.”

He turns to his dog door. “I’ll get a couple sticks to poke in you for legs. Thank goodness for my sandbox and Buck’s trade in biscuits.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle Goes into Business

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“Raud, we should get a cat.”

“Why?”

“Because Buck from across the street says he’ll trade me one of his biscuits for every piece of kitty Roca I can come up with.”

“You don’t need to live with a cat for that. A sandbox in the backyard will get you what you want.”

“Are you sure?”

“I know of what I speak. When I was a little boy I had a sandbox and the neighbor’s cats were in it as much as I was and they weren’t there to play.”

“It’s hard to imagine you being little.”

“”Wow, Fleegle, you’ll be all grown up and earning your own kibble, a dog with a booming trade business, and I won’t have to buy you anymore kibble.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – The True Purpose for Pockets

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Fleegle drops his gooey tennis ball in my lap. “I bet you wish you were covered in fur like me, then you wouldn’t have to wear clothes. Think of all the time that would free up. No more doing laundry, no more choosing what to wear. That alone would free up gobs of time. No more trying on two or three shirts to find the one you’re in the mood for. You’d wake up in the morning and be good to go, just like me, and we would have that much more time to play fetch.”

“But then I wouldn’t have any pockets to carry cookies in.”

Fleegle takes a step back. “I really like those cargo shorts on you. Those big pockets make you look super intelligent. Maybe you should get a few more pairs and wear them all the time. If they come in brown we could be twins. Or go one better, get me a pair and I could stuff those big pockets full of pizza for you.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Another Reason for the Ball

Published on by Raud Kennedy2 Comments

“Raud, who invented the tennis ball?” Fleegle asks, mouthing his ball. “Did God invent the tennis ball?”

“Do you mean the God of the Sunday televangelist in the frosty blue suit with white lapels telling you to call the 1-800 God Needs Your Money number, or the Higher Source of the cult guru teaching simplicity so you’ll sell your car, your house, all your worldly goods and make a large donation to his ashram?”

“Oh, did I say God? My dyslexia must be acting up, I meant to say Dog.” He mouths his ball some more. “I’m pretty sure Dog invented the tennis ball so you’d have something fun to take your mind off of your religious worries.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Auras

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Fleegle and I are in the backyard. I’m reading. He’s sniffing around the grass.

“Raud, I think I can see your aura,” he says, his head cocked to the side as he stares at me.

“That’s just the sun setting behind me.”

“The sunset is red, your aura is blue. Are you feeling blue?” he asks.

“Maybe a little, but I don’t know if aura color is connected to one’s mood. What if my aura was pink? What mood would that be?”

“That would be the aura of someone in the mood for some strawberry yogurt. It’s pink.”

“Then wouldn’t blue mean it was time for some blueberries?”

“I don’t know, Raud, are you hungry for blueberries?”

“Now that you mention it, blueberries with vanilla yogurt sounds pretty tasty right now and it’s almost time for lunch.”

“So that’s what it means to be blue,” he says. “I like that better than being sad.”

“Can you see your own aura?” I ask.

“Yes, it’s red. It’s the red of a rare steak. After you eat your yogurt, can we barbecue for lunch?”

“Are you sure it’s not the red of an apple or a raspberry?”

“No. Steak, barbecue steak. Fire up those briquettes, Raud.”

 

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Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – The Dog Buddha

Negotiating with Cookies – The Dog Buddha

Published on by Raud Kennedy2 Comments

It has struck me recently that much of the conversations we have with one another consist of exchanging memes, whereas dogs are the anti-meme. Dogs understand cause and effect, such as how sitting next to me often makes me produce a biscuit, but they don’t believe something simply because it has been repeated to them by multitudes of people.

I could tell Fleegle the sky is blue until I loose my voice and he still wouldn’t believe me. “The sky is the sky,” he’d say. “Your words just get in your way of appreciating it. Doesn’t the sky consist of air and space and isn’t that what surrounds you now near the ground?”

“Yeah.”

“What is up there is the same as what’s near you and near me. I am you and you are me. The sky is also you.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Just more words, Raud. Why don’t you enjoy a popsicle. Become one with it. Maybe the sugar will help you understand. I like strawberry. In fact, I am the strawberry popsicle. Get me one and I’ll show you. I especially enjoy becoming one with the high fructose corn syrup, a sweetener that won’t fill you up and can never be satiated. Perfect for us Labrador Retrievers.”

 

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