Negotiating with Cookies – “Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas.”

When the movie ends, I click off the television and rise from the couch. “It’s late. I’m going to bed.”

Fleegle remains on his donut bed curled by the fireplace. Hanging above him from the mantle are the giant stockings with our names embroidered on them waiting for Santa to fill them with Christmas goodies. He looks up past them at the plate of cookies and glass of milk I put on the mantle for Santa. “I’m staying here,” he says.

“No stealing Santa’s cookies.”

“I wouldn’t do that. I’m going to ask him to share.”

“You want him to fill your stocking and share his cookies?” I say and go to bed, figuring I’ll get up in a of couple hours after Fleegle has fallen asleep and adjust the scene of Santa’s visit accordingly, but when I do eventually wake up, it’s from Fleegle jumping on the bed.

“Did you get tired of waiting for Santa?” I ask.

“No, not at all. He was really nice and gave me all the cookies but kept the milk for himself. He said climbing up and down chimneys was thirsty work. Next year he wants a beer instead of milk, a heavy, frothy German beer. He was very specific about it not being a light beer, and Mrs. Klaus thinks he might be getting lactose intolerant and he hates soy.”

“You’re in charge of remembering that,” I say sleepily. “No mess then?”

“Nope, except for some crumbs. Santa didn’t lick his plate.”

When the sun rises and I finally get up, I find Santa’s plate and milk glass where I left them on the mantle, but bare and empty. Fleegle is tall when he stands on his back legs and puts his front paws up on things. The kitchen counters are all within range of his tongue, but I’m puzzled how he could reach the mantle above the fireplace. And there are cookie crumbs still on the plate, something Fleegle would never leave behind.

Then I notice our stockings are chubby and full, mine with assorted candies and gummy bears, and Fleegle’s has a rawhide bone sticking out of the top of it.

I hear Fleegle’s nails on the floor behind me. “Santa made me promise not to chew on it until you were there to watch. He said I shouldn’t chew it all in one sitting.”

I turn and look at him. “Santa?” As far as I know Santa never got out of bed to stage the scene.

“Yeah, Santa. Big guy, red suit, smells like reindeer poop.”

 

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – The Dog Buddha

Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Chapstick

Negotiating with Cookies – Chapstick

I hear something being dragged along the floor and look up from my desk in the den to see Fleegle halfway through his dog door, a pair of my jeans trailing him.

I call after him, “Whoa there, big fella. What do you think you’re doing?”

His rump is all that’s sticking through my side of the dog door, and his tail is held low and still, as if he’s trying not to be noticed.

“Well?” I ask.

Slowly, he backs up through the door into the den. The pant leg of my jeans hangs from his mouth. “Nothing much, just going out to the yard.”

“With my jeans?”

“Well, not really. I’m only after the plastic thingy in the pocket.”

“So you’re going to drag my jeans out in the yard and rip the pocket open to get at the lip balm?”

“Something like that. Any suggestions on how to do it better?”

I pick up my jeans and transfer the lip balm to the jeans I’m wearing. “No, not really,” I say and return to my seat at my desk.

“Boy, Raud, feeling grumpy?”

“Only a little chapped.”

 

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – “Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas.”

Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Odoriferous Parfait

Negotiating with Cookies – Odoriferous Parfait

“Raud, what’s a racist?” Fleegle asks.

“Someone who sees a person’s color before everything else.”

“I usually smell someone long before I see them.”

“So then I don’t need to worry about you being a racist.”

“I know what people have been eating by their sweat.” He sniffs my leg to make his point. “You’ve been sneaking donuts without me again.”

“I couldn’t help myself.”

“You remember that the next time I use that excuse,” he says. “Is there such a thing as a ‘sweatist’?”

“You mean not liking people because they stink?”

“No, not at all. I love people who stink, especially if they stink of food, like when you eat at the diner and smell of bacon all day. It’s the one’s who smell like petroleum products and aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrate that worry me. Do you think they’re wearing some sort of protectant for electronics because they’re robots? Are they a fifth column, a prelude to an alien invasion?”

 

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – Chapstick

Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Bed Warmer

Negotiating with Cookies – Bed Warmer

Fleegle spots a morbidly obese dog at the park and says, “Someone really loves that dog. I bet he gets pizza for breakfast.”

“I bet he sleeps on the cold hard floor.”

“Why? He’s a bed warmer if I ever saw one.”

“Because he’s too fat to jump up on the bed himself and I doubt the owner is strong enough to lift him onto it.”

“Don’t be silly, Raud, I bet they made a staircase up to their bed out of pizza boxes. I’ve started making one for you.”

 

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – Odoriferous Parfait

Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle’s Impulses

Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle’s Impulses

Fleegle and I are in the yard, practicing his manners. He’s in a sit-stay and I’m standing next to him timing him with a stop watch.

I say, “Look, I know it’s hard for you to wait, but you’re going to have to. That’s what this is about, learning impulse control.”

“I can control my impulses.”

“Then what’s jumping on strangers?”

“That’s called sharing the love. They needed kisses. I was only trying to lick their faces. Would you rather I kissed their–”

“Maybe if it kept your muddy paws off of them.”

Fleegle barely keeps his rump on the ground. You’d think he was polishing the grass the way he squirms. “How much longer?”

I glance at the stop watch in my hand. “You’ve been in a Sit-stay for all of nine seconds.”

“It’s been ten now.”

“We’re shooting for a whole minute.”

“A whole minute?” Fleegle whines. “Can we break for biscuits at thirty?”

 

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – Bed Warmer

Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Mathematics of Love

Negotiating with Cookies – The Mathematics of Love

While watching a romantic comedy on television, Fleegle says, “Raud, I think you need a girlfriend.”

“Why?”

“Mathematics.”

“You’ll have to explain that for us who are not so mathematically inclined.”

“Well, if you gave me a cookie and you had a girlfriend, she would want to give me a cookie too. Then you would get worried that I might like her more than you, so you would give me another cookie, and then she would worry and give me another and on and on it would go. The mathematics of affection say it would be a boon to my tummy.”

“What if she doesn’t like dogs sleeping on the bed?”

“Don’t be silly. Who wouldn’t like that?”

“Maybe she has allergies, or maybe, god forbid, she’s a cat person.”

He goes back to watching the movie. “Okay, so maybe I should vet any prospects first. They’ll need to fill out a questionnaire. First question: Do you like cats?” He scratches his head. “Or even better: Do you like cats more than dogs?”

 

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle’s Impulses

Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Fences and Holes