Tag: anthropomorphic

Fat Shmat

Published on by Raud Kennedy10 Comments

Raud Kennedy - gnawing the bone - sadieI talk to my dogs. Anyone who has dogs talks to them. Even people without them talk to dogs when they meet them on the sidewalk or in Home Depot. When I talk to my dogs, I answer back for them in my dog voice.

“Do you want to lick the bucket?” I ask Sadie, my golden retriever, after finishing a tub of yogurt and setting it on the floor.

“You really need to ask that after all these years?” Sadie answers back in my dog voice. “For a dog trainer, you’re not very observant. Maybe we should practice. Go get some more buckets, ask me if I want to lick them, then put them on the floor.” Continue reading “Fat Shmat” →

How to Make a Sandwich

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Raud Kennedy - gnawing the bone - sandwichThat’s it, put some mayonnaise on it. No, don’t put the mayo away, don’t be cheap, put it on with a spoon. Stop worrying about your arteries. Stress will kill you long before the mayo. What? The jar’s almost empty? Well then, use it up. Oh yeah, there you go. No, don’t put it in the sink, you idiot. Put it on the floor and I’ll get it ready for the recycle bin. I know lettuce is good for you but let’s not over-do it. Okay, I need roughage. You could play eighteen rounds with that last poop. Spray ’em white and sell ’em on eBay. Ooo pickles, I like pickles. I wonder if you could pickle a cat. Mmm, that sounds good. Let’s pickle Buttons and put him on a bun. Might have to get some more mayo though. Tomato slices work, put a few more slices on. Whoops, you dropped one. Here, I’ll get it for you. Slurp. Gosh, I don’t see it. Where’d it go? That damn cat must’ve kiped it. He’s fast for a fat bastard. He might even be enough for two sandwiches. Continue reading “How to Make a Sandwich” →

Sniff This! Part Three – A Case of Manners

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“We’re on in five,” the show’s producer announced to the crew and guest panel, his eyes on the host, Alpo, making sure he had his attention, and then he wagged his very large, fluffy white Samoyed tail high above his back to the beat of the countdown. “Four, three, two, and you’re on!”

Alpo stared into the camera lens, the lens he loved and that adored him, and flashed his tiny schnauzer canines—exceptionally white against his black fur—at his millions of viewers and started the show. “Good evening, friends. Tonight on Sniff This! it’s the battle of the sexes, or rather, the lack of. It used to be a free for all, every dog for himself. The tasty tidbit belonged to whoever got to it first. But our culture seems to have entered a new era of politeness, where many males are deferring to females, giving up the best seats at the cat fights, even leaving the last bite in the bowl for their mates. I’m not one to not appreciate this new wave of politeness, but it seems to come with a cost. Continue reading “Sniff This! Part Three – A Case of Manners” →

Sniff This! Part Two – Left or Right?

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Under the glare of the studio lights, Alpo looked into the camera lens at his audience of millions. “Our discussion topic tonight on Sniff This! is one our sires argued about, their sires argued about, and all the sires before them argued about. Which is more appropriate, to lift your right leg or your left leg when scent marking?” He fidgeted in his seat as if just mentioning the subject made him want to get up and go lift his leg on the nearest upright object, the tripod holding the camera. “On our panel of distinguished guests are, Rex from the Daily Squirt and, on the show for his first time, Sparky from the Left Leg News, and for the female perspective we have Sadie, who is promoting her latest bestseller, Nip and Snarl: How to Keep your Sire off You. Welcome, all.” Continue reading “Sniff This! Part Two – Left or Right?” →

Sniff This! Part One

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When dogs inherited the earth, their society evolved into one somewhat like the human society that preceded it. The television equivalent of the day, a popular talking heads show dealing with current issues, Sniff This!, aired as frequently as the show’s producer could gather a panel of distinguished guests in the studio without any fights breaking out. Biting was tolerated, but breaking the skin was frowned upon. The host of Sniff This! was a schnauzer who wore his fur fashionably long to hide his eyes, which he felt put him at a conversational advantage. His black fur tonight glistened as always under the studio lights as two French poodles groomed him in the moments before the show went live. Continue reading “Sniff This! Part One” →

Dirt Mouth

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I was living in the perfect city. The two-leggers who called it home with their “I heart Oregon” and “Diver Down” bumper stickers were a bunch of crumb-dropping couch hogs who couldn’t catch me even if they doubled up the batteries in their electric scooters. When it was mealtime I’d head to the nearest supermarket parking lot and pick myself out a nice fat shopper who looked the sort to barbeque year round. They were easy to smell with the scent of animal fat glistening from their pores and they left a stink trail even a puppy could follow in a downpour. I’d watch them go in and then wait for them to come out carrying my dinner. On their way back to their car, I’d tear into the plastic bags and spill their contents across the parking lot, then grab whatever meat they’d planned on grilling that evening. Continue reading “Dirt Mouth” →