Tag: funny dog stories

Negotiating with Cookies – Odoriferous Parfait

Published on by Raud Kennedy2 Comments

“Raud, what’s a racist?” Fleegle asks.

“Someone who sees a person’s color before everything else.”

“I usually smell someone long before I see them.”

“So then I don’t need to worry about you being a racist.”

“I know what people have been eating by their sweat.” He sniffs my leg to make his point. “You’ve been sneaking donuts without me again.”

“I couldn’t help myself.”

“You remember that the next time I use that excuse,” he says. “Is there such a thing as a ‘sweatist’?”

“You mean not liking people because they stink?”

“No, not at all. I love people who stink, especially if they stink of food, like when you eat at the diner and smell of bacon all day. It’s the one’s who smell like petroleum products and aluminum zirconium tetrachlorohydrate that worry me. Do you think they’re wearing some sort of protectant for electronics because they’re robots? Are they a fifth column, a prelude to an alien invasion?”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle’s Impulses

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Fleegle and I are in the yard, practicing his manners. He’s in a sit-stay and I’m standing next to him timing him with a stop watch.

I say, “Look, I know it’s hard for you to wait, but you’re going to have to. That’s what this is about, learning impulse control.”

“I can control my impulses.”

“Then what’s jumping on strangers?”

“That’s called sharing the love. They needed kisses. I was only trying to lick their faces. Would you rather I kissed their–”

“Maybe if it kept your muddy paws off of them.”

Fleegle barely keeps his rump on the ground. You’d think he was polishing the grass the way he squirms. “How much longer?”

I glance at the stop watch in my hand. “You’ve been in a Sit-stay for all of nine seconds.”

“It’s been ten now.”

“We’re shooting for a whole minute.”

“A whole minute?” Fleegle whines. “Can we break for biscuits at thirty?”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Fences and Holes

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After dinner Fleegle goes into the backyard and barks at the night. I call him inside. “What was that about?”

“Buck, the dog across the street, wanted to know who was out in their yard tonight.”

“Did they block the hole he dug under his fence yet?” I ask.

“Yeah, but that won’t stop him. He’s digging another.”

“I’m afraid to ask, but why haven’t you dug a hole under your fence?”

“Who says I haven’t? The hole under the fence is every dog’s right of passage.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Stone Noses

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“I want to take a trip, Raud,” Fleegle says.

“Where to?”

“South Dakota.”

Cautiously, I ask, “Why?”

“That’s where those big faces in stone are carved in the mountainside, right?”

“Fleegle, I know where you’re going with this and you’re not going to pee on George Washington.”

“What about Jefferson?”

“No.”

He looks at me, hope glistening in his brown eyes. “Roosevelt?”

“No. And not Lincoln either.”

“Awe, come on. Haven’t you ever wanted to scent mark a giant sniffer? Just the thought of it makes me giggle. If I scent mark a sniffer, the whole world becomes my territory because no matter where that sniffer sniffs, it’ll be scented by me.”

“Driving a third of the way across the country is a long way to go for a pee.”

“But I could scent mark all that territory just by peeing out the car window.”

“Scent mark the side of the car is more like it. Your first idea of peeing on the sniffer is better.”

“Ah, so we’re going?”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle Delivers the Mail

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“Raud, can we go for a walk?”

Rain taps against the den window. “When it stops raining.”

“Let’s go now. You can wear a hat. You like hats.”

“If you need to pee, use your yard.”

“But I want to pee in someone else’s yard.”

*   *   *

After the rain passes, we go for a walk around the neighborhood. Fleegle stops to lift his leg on the post of yet another mail box. A dog barks at us from the picture window of the house the box belongs to, slobber marks all over the glass.

I say, “That’s the fourth box you’ve tagged.”

Fleegle continues to pee as he watches the dog in the window go crazy. “I know, ain’t it fun. Just wait until I go poopers on his lawn.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies #43 – Turkey, Turkey and More Turkey

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Fleegle supervises as I set the table for dinner.

“Why do we eat turkey on Thanksgiving?” he asks.

“It’s tradition.”

“As in it’s tradition to sing the national anthem before baseball games?”

“I don’t know if that’s sung out of tradition or patriotism.”

“Are turkeys patriotic?”

I glance at the cooked bird cooling on the counter, steam rising off it. “I highly doubt it.”

“Why?”

“Because quite a lot of them get eaten on Thanksgiving.”

“No turkey rights, huh?”

“Well, this is America, so you do have the right to act like a turkey.” I spoon stuffing onto Fleegle’s plate, then some mashed potatoes.

“Just not lucky if you’re born one.” Fleegle slicks back his whiskers with his tongue. “I’ll take more stuffing than that, please.”

I spoon some more onto his plate, then begin sharpening the carving knife. “Do you want dark meat or light meat?”

“What’s the difference?”

“Leg or breast?”

“Oh, leg of course. Dogs always go for the leg.”

*   *   *

“What’s for lunch, Raud?” Fleegle asks.

“Leftovers.”

“Not more turkey?”

“Yep, more turkey. Aren’t you the one who’s always telling me not to waste food?”

“No, it’s me who is always offering to clean the dishes.”

I get the turkey carcass from the fridge and set it on the counter.

Fleegle whines. “This is like the fourth or fifth day of turkey.”

“It’s a big bird.”

“Can’t we skip it and go straight to the pumpkin pie? What was that fluffy white stuff called again?”

“Whipped cream, but we’re out of pie.”

“Awe, come on, what kind of kitchen are you running? Is Hamburger Heaven open?”

I pause to give Fleegle a good looking over. “You know, maybe we should fast for a day.”

He cocks his head to the side. “Fast?”

“Not eat for a day.”

“Why? I’m not fat. You’re not fat.”

“But your expectations are, and if you go without you’ll better appreciate what you have.”

 

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