Tag: humor

Chapter 10 – Tug Toy

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

Standing by the hall closet, I call out, “Fleegle, we’re going for a walk.”

“Great minds think alike. I was just going to suggest you get your lazy backside off the couch and go fetch your leash,” Fleegle says as he ambles down the hall from his napping spot in the bedroom.

I get the leash from the back of the closet door. “You’re the one to talk. You’ve done nothing but snore all morning.”

“Was not. I was counting my breaths just like you do when you meditate, it’s just easier to do when I can hear them.”

“So you were counting your snores in search of your higher self?”

“Actually I was in search of your higher self. I figure I’d be doing you a big favor if I could find him for you.” I slip his harness over his head and buckle it around his waist. “I bet that would be worth a lot of biscuits.”

“Biscuit nirvana for you.” I attach his leash, then take the pink harness and leash I just got for Franny from the back of the closet door.

Fleegle cocks his head at it. “What’s that for?”

“It’s for Franny.”

“Why do you need to give her a leash? Haven’t I always led you back home just fine on my own?”

“You sure have, Fleegle, every time, but I thought you’d like to share the responsibility. It can’t be easy carrying all that on your own.”

“Well, you know, I could use some help pulling you in the right direction when you’re being particularly obstinate about going in the wrong direction, or when you’re being anti-social and avoiding other dogs.” He gives the new leash a sniff.

“I figured you’d feel that way.”

Franny hears us talking and trots down the hallway to us, dragging a rope tug toy in her mouth. She eyeballs the leash in my hand and spits out the tug toy. “Ooo, that one looks like fun,” she says and makes a grab for it.

But before she knows what I’m doing I have her harness over her head and buckled at her belly, leash already attached to the metal loop on the back.

Fleegle looks at her and says, “Now you look just like me.” He shakes his fur inside his harness.

She sits down and scratches at her harness. “I don’t like this tug toy. And I look nothing like you. You’re the color of – -”

“Be nice, Franny,” I say. “Don’t say something hurtful you’ll regret later. Fleegle is a sensitive dog.”

“I was only going to say he’s the color of my food.”

“Oh.”

“Why? What did you think I was going to say?”

Fleegle looks up at me. “Yeah, what did you think she was going to say?”

I’m saved by the puppy when she asks Fleegle, “Why has he tethered himself to us?”

“We’re taking him for a walk and sometimes he has trouble keeping up and needs a good pull.”

“Like tug-of-war, but we get to wear a harness instead of using our teeth?’

“Yep.”

*   *   *

Halfway through our walk, Franny smells something interesting to her and pulls hard to the left. “Let’s go this way.”

Fleegle doesn’t budge as he continues to sniff the base of a shrub. “But I’m in the middle of something. Hold your horses.”

“What horses? Is that what I smell?” she says and bucks against the restraint of the leash.

My arms are extended as far as they can go. I look skyward, at one with the leashes, the buckle that holds the two together.

Next chapter – Truth

Previous chapter – Fleegle’s Biscuit

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 8 – Soap

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

“Whatcha smiling about, Fleegle?” I ask, while sitting out on the patio in the sun.

“Nothing in particular, just smiling. The sun is out, the spring grass is growing and sweet tasting, and Franny has turned out to be a good source of sticks.”

“Sticks?” I ask. “Is that some form of dog euphemism for something I don’t want to know about?”

“You mean like the kitty brand peanut butter? Nope, sticks mean sticks.”

He points his nose at her across the yard where she’s laying in the grass chewing on one now. “See? She’s found another.”

He runs over and takes it away from her, then trots back to the patio. “I never knew I had so many sticks until she started pointing them out to me.”

I now notice he’s perched on a pile of them. “All of those sticks are your?”

“Of course. It’s my yard. I’ve put my moniker on pretty much everything back here. Even a rainstorm can’t wash my mark off. Once it’s on, it’s on to stay.”

I feel something grab my big toe sticking out of my sandal and look down. Franny has settled in for a good chew on my foot.

She looks up at me and says, “He’s right. You’re the only thing back here that doesn’t smell like his pee.”

“Ha, that’s not for his lack of trying, and because I use a lot of soap,” I say as Fleegle eyes my big toe and tries to get into position to cock his rear leg.

Next chapter – Fleegle’s Biscuit

Previous chapter – Sandwich Making Supervisors

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 7 – Sandwich Making Supervisors

Published on by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

Fleegle and Franny watch me make a sandwich for lunch. “The key is to get him to put so much mayonnaise on his sandwich that when he bites into the bread, the mayonnaise is squeezed out and drips onto the floor. Anything on the floor is ours,” Fleegle says. “Raud eats off of a plate, so think of the floor as our big plate.”

I look over my shoulder at him. “You do realize I can hear what you’re saying?”

“No you can’t. I was talking to her.”

“Oh, is that how it works?”

“Raud, focus, don’t let your petty anxieties distract you from your work,” Fleegle says, then begins to imitate the voice from one of my meditation CDs. “Listen to your Zen master and be one with your work. Apply the mayonnaise with long, even strokes of the butter knife. Actually, put the knife down and use a big soup spoon. Now switch hands and apply again. Feel the balance. Now pick up a second spoon and apply with both hands. Immerse yourself in the balance of dual handed mayonnaise application. Become one with your sandwich. Feel the mayonnaise flow across the bread like waves of creamy goodness.”

More like a mayo tsunami, I think.

Franny tilts her head to the side at Fleegle. “Why are you speaking so weird?”

“I’m telling him what his higher-self would tell him.”

“His higher-self must really like mayonnaise,” she says.

“Yes, but Raud doesn’t know that, he’s never met him.”

Next chapter – Soap

Previous chapter – Ham & Cheese To Go

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 6 – Ham & Cheese To Go

Published on by Raud KennedyLeave a comment

I’m standing in front of the open fridge checking what there is to eat when I hear Fleegle behind me. He could be no where to be seen but at the sound of the fridge door opening, he magically materializes out of thin air. “Whatcha doing, Raud?”

“I’m thinking about fixing something to eat.”

“Oh boy, what am I having?”

“Not you, me.”

“Didn’t you learn to share as a kid?”

Franny drags a stick inside from the yard. “Do all people think have to about things so much before doing them? Or is it just you?”

“This is nothing,” Fleegle says. “At least he’s thinking about something and not just thinking about thinking.”

“Okay, I’ve decided,” I say.

Fleegle sits next to Franny and says, “Wait for it.”

“Yes, I’m going to make a sandwich.”

Fleegle’s tail sweeps the floor behind. “He’s a terrible sandwich maker. He does it all backwards. He puts the mayonnaise on the bread instead of the bread in the mayonnaise.”

Franny spits out a chunk of wood from her stick. “What’s a sandwich?” she asks.

“A sandwich is an awesome way to eat mayonnaise,” he says and thumps his tail against the floor.

Franny looks at Fleegle. “What’s mayonnaise?”

Fleegle shakes his head. “I’ve no idea.”

“But you eat it?”

“Of course.”

“So you eat things even when you don’t know what they are?”

“I’m a Labrador.”

“So am I but every time I start chewing on something that smells tasty, Raud pulls it out of my mouth and shoves that pink rubber thing in my face.”

“That’s the puppy Kong. Impossible to eat, but you can eat what Raud puts inside it.”

“What’s he put inside it?” she asks.

Fleegle watches me lay the cold cuts on the cutting board and get the jar of mayo from the fridge. “Well, if it were up to me, I’d put a few slices of ham in there, along with some provolone cheese, then slather it in mayonnaise.”

Next chapter – Sandwich Making Supervisors

Previous chapter – In Training

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 5 – In Training

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As Fleegle walks over to where I’m sitting in the backyard, I close the book in my lap and say, “Well, Fleegle, I just finished reading a book on the afterlife by a guy who travels there in out of body experiences.”

“Really? I just finished sniffing Franny’s pee on that rock over there.”

“Not interested, eh?”

“Oh, I’m interested alright. Her pee tells me she’s been getting more treats than me, and some have been hot dogs, the cheap greasy kind I love.”

“I meant in hearing about the afterlife?”

“If you ever find your higher-self I’m sure he’ll be real interested in talking to you about that sort of stuff to your heart’s content, but I’d rather discuss pee. Pee never lies.”

“Franny is getting more treats than you because she’s in training.”

He tilts his head to the side. “In training for what? I bet it’s some sort of hot dog eating contest and if it is you’re betting on the wrong dog for that. I can eat a lot of hot dogs, you watch me, way more than her. A little bowl of kibble makes her belly drag on the ground. No capacity. A single bun will fill her up.”

Franny looks up from the stick she’s been chewing on. “What about the before-life? Have you read a book on that too? Is it some sort of trilogy? Before, present and afterlife? I want to hear about the before part because I’d like to know where I came from. I distinctly remember being able to fly, but now I can barely get this fat belly of mine off the ground when I walk, let alone fly.”

Fleegle eyes Franny’s stick. “You’re confusing flying with the ride the stork gave you to deliver you to Suzie’s house, our breeder.”

Franny sees Fleegle eyeballing her stick. “Stork rides and tales of the afterlife, I’m going to need something more than a stick to chew on to get used to the two of you. Where are the shoes at? A real stinky one will get me through this.”

Next chapter – Ham & Cheese To Go

Previous chapter – Bedtime, Or Not

First chapter – The Puppy

Chapter 4 – Bedtime, Or Not

Published on by Raud KennedyLeave a comment

I finish brushing my teeth, then climb under the bed’s covers. Fleegle is curled up on his pillow next to mine and Franny sits at the end of the bed mouthing the old rope toy she’s found. She stops chewing on it to watch me get comfortable and warm. It’s a cold night and I turned the heat off an hour ago.

“Whatcha doing?” she asks.

“Going to bed to sleep.”

“For how long?”

“Until morning.”

She stand up. “Do I get a biscuit if I pee on the bed while you’re sleeping?”

“No.”

“What if I wake you up and show you where I peed? Do I get one then?”

“Pee only gets you biscuits when you do it outside.”

The way she’s standing makes her look like she’s thinking of squatting. “That’s not fair,” she says. “I saw you give yourself a biscuit after you peed inside. You peed in your water bowl then went into the kitchen ad gave yourself a little round black biscuit.”

Fleegle lifts his head from his pillow. “She’s got you there. I saw it too. You had an Oreo biscuit. It is kind of unfair, Raud.”

“You too, eh?” I say to him.

Franny wiggles her butt and looks at Fleegle. “It seems to me he’s asking us to live by higher standards than he’s willing to live by himself. What’s this called again?”

“Housetraining.”

“So I’m being housetrained by someone who isn’t? Where’s that shoe? I need to chew.”

I tighten the comforter under my chin, finally getting warm. “It’s not time to chew. It’s time to sleep.”

Franny looks at me, her eyes gleaming bright in the light from the lamp on the nightstand. “No it’s not,” she says as she squats. “It’s time to pee.”

Next chapter – In Training

Previous chapter – What’s In A Name?

First chapter – The Puppy