laugh – Page 17 – Gnawing the Bone

Negotiating with Cookies – Bed Warmer

Published on December 19, 2014December 22, 2014 by Raud Kennedy4 Comments

Fleegle spots a morbidly obese dog at the park and says, “Someone really loves that dog. I bet he gets pizza for breakfast.”

“I bet he sleeps on the cold hard floor.”

“Why? He’s a bed warmer if I ever saw one.”

“Because he’s too fat to jump up on the bed himself and I doubt the owner is strong enough to lift him onto it.”

“Don’t be silly, Raud, I bet they made a staircase up to their bed out of pizza boxes. I’ve started making one for you.”

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – Odoriferous Parfait

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Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle’s Impulses

Published on December 18, 2014December 19, 2014 by Raud Kennedy4 Comments

Fleegle and I are in the yard, practicing his manners. He’s in a sit-stay and I’m standing next to him timing him with a stop watch.

I say, “Look, I know it’s hard for you to wait, but you’re going to have to. That’s what this is about, learning impulse control.”

“I can control my impulses.”

“Then what’s jumping on strangers?”

“That’s called sharing the love. They needed kisses. I was only trying to lick their faces. Would you rather I kissed their–”

“Maybe if it kept your muddy paws off of them.”

Fleegle barely keeps his rump on the ground. You’d think he was polishing the grass the way he squirms. “How much longer?”

I glance at the stop watch in my hand. “You’ve been in a Sit-stay for all of nine seconds.”

“It’s been ten now.”

“We’re shooting for a whole minute.”

“A whole minute?” Fleegle whines. “Can we break for biscuits at thirty?”

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Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Mathematics of Love

Negotiating with Cookies – The Mathematics of Love

Published on December 15, 2014December 18, 2014 by Raud Kennedy3 Comments

While watching a romantic comedy on television, Fleegle says, “Raud, I think you need a girlfriend.”

“Why?”

“Mathematics.”

“You’ll have to explain that for us who are not so mathematically inclined.”

“Well, if you gave me a cookie and you had a girlfriend, she would want to give me a cookie too. Then you would get worried that I might like her more than you, so you would give me another cookie, and then she would worry and give me another and on and on it would go. The mathematics of affection say it would be a boon to my tummy.”

“What if she doesn’t like dogs sleeping on the bed?”

“Don’t be silly. Who wouldn’t like that?”

“Maybe she has allergies, or maybe, god forbid, she’s a cat person.”

He goes back to watching the movie. “Okay, so maybe I should vet any prospects first. They’ll need to fill out a questionnaire. First question: Do you like cats?” He scratches his head. “Or even better: Do you like cats more than dogs?”

Next: Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle’s Impulses

Previous: Negotiating with Cookies – Fences and Holes