humor – Page 31 – Gnawing the Bone

Nosy

Published on March 17, 2013December 24, 2013 by Raud Kennedy5 Comments

Holly was sitting on her bed after school texting her BFF Monica. “Calculus sucks.” She was math smart, a freshman in a class for juniors.

Ping, Monica texted back. “But the Brian is in your class.”

Both girls had mad text skills. “He’s so into himself and his friends he might as well be gay.”

Ping. “Hurt because he didn’t notice you in your new red dress?”

Yes, how could she not be, Holly thought. She liked her new dress and thought everyone else would too, especially the Brian since it was pretty tight fitting, so tight fitting that she thought her mom or dad was going to say something that morning about how high school freshmen shouldn’t wear such tight fitting dresses to school and tell her to go change her clothes. But neither said anything, not even raised an eyebrow. They were too in a rush to get hot coffee down their throats and be off to work. Parents, what are they good for? Continue reading “Nosy” →

Uh-oh, Here Comes that Big Guy Again

Published on February 22, 2013December 24, 2013 by Raud Kennedy1 Comment

The Rabbit Hole

Published on January 24, 2013February 28, 2014 by Raud Kennedy7 Comments

Echo was sitting in her studio apartment, polishing her brand new red Doc Martens in preparation for a night out with her friends, when she saw a dark shadowy form of an animal crossing the room on the other side of her coffee table. It looked like a black dog, except that it lacked detail and definition. If her hair weren’t already glued into a Mohawk with half a can of super-hold hair spray, it would have been standing on end from the tingling sensation she felt working its way up her neck.

The shadowy form stopped and seemed to turn and stare at her, then shake its head like dogs do. Echo could actually see the moving shadow of dog ears flapping about the side of its head, but it was all done silently. Was it a ghost? She thought ghosts were supposed to be white puffs of smoke, and she’d heard of shadow people on late-night paranormal radio, but not shadow dogs. On the same show she’d heard about the multiverse theory of the universe. which is that of a bubble bath where each bubble is a universe and there are an uncountable number of universes, some so different from our own that they might have their own laws of physics, others so similar that all the planets might be identical and the sole difference is an alternate history on the third planet from our sun. Sometimes bubbles overlap and air and soap pass from one bubble to the next, and so it is with the multiverse. Either way it was freaking her out staring at her like that, so she took the freshly polished boot in her hand and tossed it at it, hitting it square on. But instead of the boot passing through it, making it disappear like she thought it would, it caught the boot in its mouth, turned and skedaddled. Continue reading “The Rabbit Hole” →

Rocky

Published on January 16, 2013January 29, 2016 by Raud Kennedy5 Comments

The little dog was very happy now that he’d relieved himself. He was in the middle of marking his spot at the park by scratching the grass with his back legs, when he saw what his two-legger was up to and let out a peal of barks in protest. With his hand encased in a plastic grocery bag, the old man leaned over and picked up the dog’s freshly excreted poop which was no bigger than the green goose droppings surrounding it. Continue reading “Rocky” →

Fat Shmat

Published on December 11, 2012May 26, 2014 by Raud Kennedy10 Comments

I talk to my dogs. Anyone who has dogs talks to them. Even people without them talk to dogs when they meet them on the sidewalk or in Home Depot. When I talk to my dogs, I answer back for them in my dog voice.

“Do you want to lick the bucket?” I ask Sadie, my golden retriever, after finishing a tub of yogurt and setting it on the floor.

“You really need to ask that after all these years?” Sadie answers back in my dog voice. “For a dog trainer, you’re not very observant. Maybe we should practice. Go get some more buckets, ask me if I want to lick them, then put them on the floor.” Continue reading “Fat Shmat” →

How to Make a Sandwich

Published on December 7, 2012December 24, 2013 by Raud KennedyLeave a comment

That’s it, put some mayonnaise on it. No, don’t put the mayo away, don’t be cheap, put it on with a spoon. Stop worrying about your arteries. Stress will kill you long before the mayo. What? The jar’s almost empty? Well then, use it up. Oh yeah, there you go. No, don’t put it in the sink, you idiot. Put it on the floor and I’ll get it ready for the recycle bin. I know lettuce is good for you but let’s not over-do it. Okay, I need roughage. You could play eighteen rounds with that last poop. Spray ’em white and sell ’em on eBay. Ooo pickles, I like pickles. I wonder if you could pickle a cat. Mmm, that sounds good. Let’s pickle Buttons and put him on a bun. Might have to get some more mayo though. Tomato slices work, put a few more slices on. Whoops, you dropped one. Here, I’ll get it for you. Slurp. Gosh, I don’t see it. Where’d it go? That damn cat must’ve kiped it. He’s fast for a fat bastard. He might even be enough for two sandwiches. Continue reading “How to Make a Sandwich” →