Negotiating with Cookies – The Candyman

Fleegle says, “Raud, why do people call you the Candyman? You never eat candy and I can’t remember the last time you had ice cream, let alone shared any.”

“They call me that because I almost always have biscuits on me.”

“But wouldn’t that make you the Biscuit Man?”

“Probably, but it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, besides, I don’t remember the Grateful Dead ever singing about the Biscuit Man.”

“Buck the ghost dog sings about biscuits, and he’s dead and very grateful when I share my biscuits with him, though his singing is more of a mooing than singing.”

 

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Previous Negotiating with Cookies – Daylight Savings Time

Negotiating with Cookies – Daylight Savings Time

Still half asleep, I set Fleegle’s food bowl in its stand as he waits, drooling as he watches.

“Breakfast is early,” he says.

All I can do is grunt an affirmative and go in search of coffee.

*   *   *

I scoop a cup of kibble into Fleegle’s food bowl for his lunch. More drool as he watches.

“Lunch is early too? What’s going on?” he asks.

I shake my head, still sleepy from lack of sleep. “Daylight Savings Time. We lost an hour.”

“How can you lose an hour?”

I rub my eyes. “A shared group psychosis.”

“A what?”

“If everyone decides blue is red, then blue is red even though blue isn’t red.”

“Ah, that sounds like one of those crazy people things only you guys understand. Got it,” he says and digs into his food.

*   *   *

I put Fleegle’s dinner in front of him.

“Dinner is early too. I like this group psychosis thing called Daylight Savings Time, but where do you save the light? Can you take it out when it gets dark, like in the middle of the night when you need to hunt for a snack? Are you saving the light inside the light bulbs? I’ve always wondered how they worked.”

*   *   *

I click off the television and head to the bedroom.

Fleegle looks up from his spot on the couch. “Raud, where are you going? It’s too early for bedtime.”

“No, it’s not. This is the time we always go to bed.”

Fleegle follows me into the bedroom and nose bumps the clock on the nightstand. “Your time machine may say it’s time for bed, but my stomach says we’ve got a good hour to have a snack before bed, maybe a plate of cottage cheese or some cold pizza, and nothing tells time better than my stomach.”

“Fleegle, as of this morning blue is red and red is blue. In six months, blue will be blue and red will be red again.”

“Well, Raud, you can play all the mind games you want, but that’s not going to stop my stomach from growling. Let’s use some of that light you’ve saved and look around in the fridge. Maybe we can find some cold fried chicken or pizza slices.”

 

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Previous Negotiating with Cookies – The Meat Special

Negotiating with Cookies – The Meat Special

I hang up the phone after talking with Fleegle’s breeder, Suzie.

“So what did she say?” Fleegle asks, his front paws bouncing on the floor next to my desk. “Has my parents’ matchmaker been busy making matches?”

“Um, yes. She has a litter right now with a yellow female available.”

Fleegle darts to the garage. “Let’s go, Raud.”

“Hold up. She’s too young to leave her mom and the puppy nursery. Suzie says she needs to fatten up first.”

“Well then, what are you waiting for? Call the pizza joint and have them deliver an extra large ‘meat special’ to the puppy nursery. Pizza has done wonders for your waistline.”

 

Next Negotiating with Cookies – Daylight Savings Time

Previous Negotiating with Cookies – Stumped

Negotiating with Cookies – Aussie?

“Still trying to think of what breed to get, huh?” Fleegle says.

“Yeah, how about an Australian Shepherd?” I say.

“Have you ever seen an Aussie take a nap?”

“No.”

“Don’t you find that odd? I mean, in our daily drives around town we see lots of Labradors taking it easy in their yards all the time, napping on the front porch, napping in the sun on the front lawn.”

“Or napping in the bamboo like you.”

“Exactly, but never an Aussie. They’re always up and moving about, like they’re herding flies. Don’t underestimate the importance of a napping dog, Raud, because if your new buddy from Australia isn’t napping, neither are you, and you do love your naps.”

“Hmm… You have a point.” I scratch my head. “What about a Border Collie?”

“I’ll ask you again, have you ever seen a Border Collie take a nap? Same answer and throw in a lot of staring. They really love to stare. Have you ever tried to take a nap while someone is staring at you?”

 

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Previous Negotiating with Cookies – GSD?

Negotiating with Cookies – GSD?

“Are you still thinking about it?” Fleegle asks.

“I was thinking about a German Shepherd,” I say.

“I don’t think the UPS guy would like that and you need to keep the UPS guy happy because he brings me fun stuff. Same goes for the mailman and woman. They carry biscuits.”

“But I love German Shepherds. They’re really smart.”

“And you’re going to look really smart behind your new vacuum cleaner that you’ll have to get to stay on top of the shedding. They’re not called German Shedders for nothing.”

 

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Previous Negotiating with Cookies – How About a Pug, Fleegle?

Negotiating with Cookies – How About a Pug, Fleegle?

“So have you finished thinking about what breed to get so we can get on with it?” Fleegle asks.

“You mean, what kind of puppy we should get?” I ask.

“A dog puppy, of course. It’s not like there are cat puppies.”

“No, I mean what breed of puppy should we get. I’m thinking about a pug.”

“Well, you keep on thinking about thinking on that one,” Fleegle says.

“Why? Don’t you like pugs?”

“I love pugs, but have you ever seen one clean its butt?”

“Um, no.”

“Exactly. I’m not sure they can reach it with their round little bodies and big bellies, and I don’t want to live with a dog nicknamed Stinky Butt, and you know how highly I value good grooming.”

“So that’s what you call all that loud goobering on yourself you do at 3AM.”

“Did I mention they snore? I’m a mouse in comparison.”

 

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Previous Negotiating with Cookies – Talking About Talking