Negotiating with Cookies – How About a Pug, Fleegle?

“So have you finished thinking about what breed to get so we can get on with it?” Fleegle asks.

“You mean, what kind of puppy we should get?” I ask.

“A dog puppy, of course. It’s not like there are cat puppies.”

“No, I mean what breed of puppy should we get. I’m thinking about a pug.”

“Well, you keep on thinking about thinking on that one,” Fleegle says.

“Why? Don’t you like pugs?”

“I love pugs, but have you ever seen one clean its butt?”

“Um, no.”

“Exactly. I’m not sure they can reach it with their round little bodies and big bellies, and I don’t want to live with a dog nicknamed Stinky Butt, and you know how highly I value good grooming.”

“So that’s what you call all that loud goobering on yourself you do at 3AM.”

“Did I mention they snore? I’m a mouse in comparison.”

 

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Negotiating with Cookies – Talking About Talking

While sitting in the backyard on a sunny afternoon, Fleegle drops his slobber covered tennis ball in my lap for the umpteenth time. I pick up the ball with two fingers and toss it to him. “Fleegle, you know how you’ve been asking me about getting a puppy?”

He catches the ball but spits it out. “Oh boy, are we getting one today? Let’s go,” he says, his front paws bouncing on the ground.

“Well, I’ve decided it might be time to start to actually give the idea some real thought,” I say calmly.

He stops bouncing. “Huh? As opposed to the fake thought you already started giving it?”

“Um, yes.”

“So we’re not going today to get a puppy, but today you’re going to start thinking about getting a puppy? This is like when the guys on the car radio start talking about what they’re going to talk about. I thought you hated that.”

“I do. It drives me crazy. They spend more time talking about what they’re going to talk about than about it itself. It’s totally boring. Like they tell me all about the weather report they’re going to give at the top of the hour and in the time they take to tell me that, they could’ve just given me the weather report.”

Fleegle nose bumps the ball toward me. “So you want to start thinking about what you’re going to do instead of just doing it?”

“This is different.”

“Maybe to someone who is brainwashed by listening all day to people talk about what they’re going to talk about, but not to someone who does things when he wants to do them and doesn’t need to think about it first, let alone talk about it first.”

I pick up the ball and toss it. He catches it in the air. “This coming from a dog that would jump out a second story window after a ball.”

He spits the ball out in my lap. “I would not.”

“There’s a reason we live in a one story house, and that’s because I thought about it first.”

“But what if there was a swimming pool below that second story window. Think of all the fun to be had there.”

I toss the ball for Fleegle to catch, but he doesn’t move and it bounces on the ground behind him and rolls to a stop. “Raud, I think it’s time I give it some real thought about going and retrieving that tennis ball, but first let’s sit down and discuss it, let’s talk about what we’re going to say about the ball and the fetching of the ball.”

 

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Chapter Two – Big Bird

the watermelon has landedCaptain Case rides up in the cockpit of the Sikorsky Super Stallion with the pilot and copilot, one of those big helicopters the size of a city bus favored by the US Marines. He loves these big birds and the loud whop-whop they make when they fly. The cityscape passes quickly below, the pale faces of Portlanders­­—the little people—turn skyward at the thunder of Case’s approach and wonder if the president is in town for more fundraising.

Case chuckles at the thought of the little people, those who go to work everyday, pay their taxes, vote for the sanitized candidates. They’ll never know about the Agency for Unidentified Intelligence team inside the helicopter. The Central Intelligence Agency used to be secret but after one too many screw ups, they got dragged through televised congressional hearings for all to see what shenanigans they’d been up to. None of that will ever happen to the UIA, Case thinks The UIA are far more important than the CIA with a bigger and blacker black budget, the part of the US budget that is so secret even those in congress who pass the bills that fund it don’t know what’s in it. And that’s even if they read it.

Case thinks the CIA’s mission is small fry compared to the AUI. The CIA protects the American people from the crazies wearing bomb vests, where as he and the AUI defend the planet against the crazies lurking out there in the dark of space. Case knows it sounds half mad, but the galaxy is vast and far from sane. There are pockets of sanity, like in the average citizen’s shower where they can sing The Battle Hymn of the Republic as loud as they want to their heart’s content like he does, but once they turn off the taps and reach for their towel, all sorts of craziness can happen.

The pilot’s voice crackles over the intercom in Case’s helmet speakers, the helmet being the only thing saving his hearing from the whirlybird’s deafening whop-whop. “Captain Case, we’re nearing the target coordinates. The object should be right ahead.”

“Good,” Case says and checks his watch. It has been an hour since the object’s first radar contact. It popped up on the NORAD screens from nowhere in high altitude and went nowhere, except down to the surface. There was no lateral transit whatsoever and that’s very strange. Comets, asteroids, they go sideways and burn up, never straight down. And then there was that cloud, the only one for hundreds of miles in all directions and it just happens to block the satellite view of whatever it was that was falling. Unless it wasn’t falling, but descending.

The pilot pulls back on the controls, slowing the Super Stallion by raising her nose, then levels her into a stationary hover above the Pearl District of downtown Portland. “The telemetry of the descent of the object puts its landing location directly below us.”

They’re dead center over a building rooftop and there’s no sign of the impact crater Case is expecting. NORAD said it dropped fast and that they should expect damage and panic, but there’s nothing but an empty roof deck with a dozen recliners in two nicely ordered rows.

Since there’s no place to set down a big bird like the Stallion, Case says, “Bring us in close to the roof. My team and I will use the ropes to repel down. I’ll radio when we’re on deck, then I want you to circle the area and stay alert. We might need a quick extraction. Who knows what this object is, could be unexploded ordinance for all we know.”

“Yes, sir,” the pilot’s voice crackles over the helmet intercom.

Case unbuckles his harness and steps into the back of the Stallion to get his team up to speed on the situation. Case addresses his ten man team, buckled up in seats along either side of the helicopter. “All of our intel says the object, something about the size of a Volkswagen, should’ve impacted on the rooftop below us, but there’s nothing there, no impact crater or anything. But something has to be there becasue we don’t know for certain nothing is there. We’ll use the ropes to get down, secure the building exits, then search it floor by floor. Use your usual charm to appease the civil rights whiners. Any questions?”

“Sir, why the building search for an object the size of a Volkswagon?”

“Because it’s not where it should be, which means it’s more than a piece of commie space junk that fell out of the sky. Have you ever dropped an egg, soldier?”

“Of course, sir.”

“And what happened?”

“The yolk got all over the floor and there was splatter on the cabinets that I was still finding a week later. It was everywhere. Absolutely the worst thing to drop.”

“Exactly.” Case scans their faces. They’re ready to go, they’re always ready. “Unless you have a dog. Then there’s no sign of that egg. It’s been devoured and scrubbed clean with his fat tongue. We’re that dog, men, so strap on your tinfoil hats and let’s find that egg.”

Case isn’t joking about the tinfoil. They wear hats under their protective helmets lined with Velostat, a metallic fiber mesh that protects them from electronic impulses, in other words, mind control. The brain works on electronic impulses and it doesn’t take much to redirect those impulses. The agency is paranoid about mind control. Case even sleeps with a skullcap on because that’s when he figures he’s most vulnerable.

No more waiting, no more inaction. It’s time to find out what those crazies in space have sent them this time. Captain Case presses the red button that opens the doors of the helicopter and he and his team repel down on the ropes.

 

This is chapter two of The Watermelon Has Landed, a novel in progress. Chapter one can be found here: Chapter One – Smokejumpers

Chapter Three – Lock Down

Chapter One ~ Smokejumpers

the watermelon has landedOtto stretches out on the recliner, hands behind his head with a book on dogs flipped over on his chest, and gazes up into the sky. This is Portland, he thinks, it should be raining, overcast at the very least. But the sky is a vast expanse of blue except for one lone cloud drifting overhead that holds Otto’s attention. A black speck emerges from the cloud, probably a bird, a hawk maybe, though he’s never seen a bird that high up in the sky before.

Otto has the whole rooftop deck of the building where he and his family lives to himself. He’s not supposed to be up here on his own, high above the downtown city streets of the Pearl District, but he comes up here to get away from his two older brothers, Walnut and Peanut, when he wants to read. They’ve grown too cool for reading and tease him whenever they see a book in his lap. They’re all about video games. He like those too, but it gets old losing to the nuts all the time. They hate it when he calls them that. Their actual names are Walter and Peter, and they get back at him by calling him Oddo instead of Otto, but it doesn’t bother him. It’s just a breath over lips, an exhale. It might as well be a couple of birds chirping.

One of the photos in the dog book on his chest is of an army dog parachuting out of an airplane. The dog has on a camo vest like the soldier he’s strapped to and they’re jumping into someplace in Afghanistan. Who said dressing up your dog was silly? Otto thinks it’s the best photo in the book, a dog trusting you enough to jump out of an airplane with you, you can’t beat that. Maybe some dogs are thrill seekers just like some people are. Continue reading “Chapter One ~ Smokejumpers”

Negotiating with Cookies – Take-Out

Fleegle and I are in the car on our way to our first dog walking appointment when Fleegle says, “Raud, the Seaweed Men came again last night.”

“The who?”

“I call them the Seaweed Men because they smell like seaweed, but they don’t really look like men, more like children with really big hairless heads.”

“You must’ve been dreaming, and we both know how weird your dreams can be.”

“Nope, I wasn’t dreaming. I was wide awake, though I couldn’t move. I never can when the Seaweed Men show up, can’t even bark to wake you up.”

I stop the car for a red light. “What do these Seaweed Men do?”

“Oh, they usually float you through a hole in the bedroom ceiling and you’re gone for a few hours.”

“But there isn’t a hole in the bedroom ceiling.”

“I know that and you know that, but they don’t. If they want a hole there, there’s a hole.”

“I think I’d remember any nighttime excursions that involved levitations and passing through ceilings.” The light turns green and I step on the gas.

“Nah, you sleep through it every time.”

“Every time? How long have these Seaweed Men been coming?”

“As long as I can remember?”

“That’s at least three years and you’re just telling me now?”

“They didn’t ask me not to this time.”

“I see.”

“I think they just forgot. But don’t worry about it, they always bring you back.” He stands up in his seat and wags his tail. “Is it time for my lunch yet? I could really go for some California rolls right about now, with an extra wrap of seaweed, how about you?”

 

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Previous Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle Cures Laziness

Negotiating with Cookies – Fleegle Cures Laziness

While I’m lazing in bed late Saturday morning, Fleegle ambles into the bedroom and over to my side of the bed. “Raud, there’s a poop in the living room.”

My eyes pop open. I’m wide awake now. I deal with enough poop outside that the thought of it being inside too sets my mind alight like a 4th of July sparkler. “What do you mean there’s a poop in the living room? Did you poop in the living room? Are you ill?”

“No, I didn’t poop in the living room.”

“Why would you do that? You’re dog door is open and the yard has lots of prime locations for private pooping for poop shy dogs like you.”

Fleegle shakes his head. “It’s not my poop.”

I push the comforter aside and sit up. “It’s not? Well it certainly isn’t mine if that’s what you’re implying.”

“Are you going to get up and take a look? It could be staining the rug?”

“It’s on the rug? You’re damn right I’m getting up to take a look.” I throw my feet over the side of the bed. “Who’s been pooping on my rug?”

Lickety-split, I’m up, down the hall and in the living room in. I scan the rug, looking for the offensive waste product, and there it is, the size of a pine cone sitting under the coffee table. I move in for a closer look, and as I do I realize that’s what it is, a pine cone. How could Fleegle miss that? I look around, expecting him to be standing behind me, but he’s nowhere to be seen. I pick up the cone and carry it through the kitchen to the patio door, where I see Fleegle sitting next to the storage bin that holds his kibble.

I open the patio door and toss the pine cone out into the bamboo. “It wasn’t poop, Fleegle. It was a pine cone.”

“Oh, really? It sure had me fooled, but now that you’re up, do you think you could feed me my breakfast?”

 

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