Tag: humor

Little Green Bags

Published on by Raud Kennedy7 Comments

Raud Kennedy - PoopiesI have a confession to make. I am obsessed with dog poop. At times with my dog walking clients, I feel like I’m the guy driving the golf cart at the tail end of the horse parade with the shovel and barrel in back. I’ve developed a sixth sense where I know when a dog has to poop before he knows himself.

I scoop up the little gems into translucent green bags and tie them off with a knot while avoiding getting any whiff of the stink. The bags come on rolls and are sold in packs of six. Though I buy them in bulk, I’m still checking myself for bags. When I get down to one roll, I restock my vest with four more. Maybe I’m obsessed with these green bags too. Continue reading “Little Green Bags” →

Meat Loaf

Published on by Raud Kennedy4 Comments

When you sit down, I lie down on the floor near you. When you get up to leave, I rise to follow you from room to room. My favorite room is the kitchen. If you stayed in the kitchen all day long it would be fine with me. Even when you’re not cooking I can smell the scent from the previous night’s meal, and the one before that and before that, going back to my favorite—meatloaf.

You know those aging cowboy actors doing television ads praising beef? Saying there’s nothing like a US prime cut of beef, or something like that? Well, I don’t disagree with them, but boy, could I growl some praise about meatloaf. What a perfect food, seasoned with spices, then cooked to bring out the flavor. No annoying bones to chew around and slow you down, or boring vegetables to pick out. Just beef. And ground up like it’s been already chewed for you so all that’s left to do is swallow. It’s immediate gratification taken to its ultimate extreme. Continue reading “Meat Loaf” →

Fleegle’s Advice to his Dog-Friends

Published on by Raud Kennedy7 Comments
Raud Kennedy - Fleegle's Advice to his Dog-Friends
Fleegle Says

At six months old, this is what I’ve learned so far:

  • Lean hamburger is good, but the fatty kind is healthier for you.
  • Cat food is good for dogs too. It’s an urban myth that it gives us gas.
  • Dog poop should be left where it lands. Cat poop should be picked up diligently–by dogs.
  • Picking up poop is very unhealthy for two-leggers, but eating it is just fine for us dogs.
  • Having four legs is definitely more graceful than just two, but a bucketful of chicken legs from KFC beats both.
  • Barking gets you what you want, but whining will get it faster, and the higher pitch the whine the quicker the two-legger will snap to it.
  • A cute play bow will trump a growl in any encounter.
  • Snoring is beautiful. It comforts your two-legger to know you’re near and that helps them sleep.
  • Grooming is best done at 3am on your two-legger’s bed, preferably while sharing the pillow.
  • If your stomach is upset, 3am is also the time to puke, also preferably on the bed but not on the pillow. Use the foot of the bed. Your two-legger will appreciate you doing it so late because it will give them an excuse not to deal with it until morning.

Secret Admirer

Published on by Raud Kennedy9 Comments

Raud Kennedy - Secret AdmirerThe two dogs stood next to one another, sniffing the dog park ground for news.

“I’ve been sending my two-legger love poems for weeks now.”

“You’ve been doing what?”

“I felt sorry for him and he looked like he needed cheering up, but now he thinks he has a secret admirer, which is true, but he thinks it’s a two-legger woman who’s in love with him. Now I’m even more sorry for him.”

“You got to love the computer. With a pencil in your mouth you can type anything and you don’t even need the pencil to hit the buy button. I can do that with my nose. My two-legger should be getting six cases of canned chili from Preppers-R-Us any day now.” Continue reading “Secret Admirer” →

Sparkatus

Published on by Raud Kennedy3 Comments
Raud Kennedy - Sparkatus
“The Night of the Broken Gates is coming.”

He looked like a genetically modified coconut standing on four fury legs in the middle of the dog park as he shook his head in disagreement with his friend and housemate. “No giant dog is going to fall from the sky and smash everyone’s backyard gate,” he said. “Sparkatus is a myth. Dogs throw his story around and the one about the Night of the Broken Gates when they’re bored and depressed, stuck in the their yard sniffing their own piles of… well, you know what I mean. And who can blame them? Not every dog gets out and travels like we do. I’ve peed on sixty-four trees just this morning.”

“Sparkatus is not a myth. He’s real,” said Coconut’s housemate, a mutt, who was big and round like a watermelon. “I talked to a friend on the way into the park who said he’s seen Sparkatus, that he’s in town, and that he actually sniffed his butt. Can you believe that? Sniffed the but of Sparkatus?” Continue reading “Sparkatus” →

Nosy

Published on by Raud Kennedy5 Comments

Holly was sitting on her bed after school texting her BFF Monica. “Calculus sucks.” She was math smart, a freshman in a class for juniors.

Ping, Monica texted back. “But the Brian is in your class.”

Both girls had mad text skills. “He’s so into himself and his friends he might as well be gay.”

Ping. “Hurt because he didn’t notice you in your new red dress?”

Yes, how could she not be, Holly thought. She liked her new dress and thought everyone else would too, especially the Brian since it was pretty tight fitting, so tight fitting that she thought her mom or dad was going to say something that morning about how high school freshmen shouldn’t wear such tight fitting dresses to school and tell her to go change her clothes. But neither said anything, not even raised an eyebrow. They were too in a rush to get hot coffee down their throats and be off to work. Parents, what are they good for? Continue reading “Nosy” →